It's not about me!

I have days... (ok maybe weeks) where I want the world to be about ME! I go into a "pity party" mode, where even if nothing is really wrong I make it out to be the biggest thing that has ever been placed before me. Talk about making a mountain out of a grain of sand! While pity parties have their place in society, every one needs one now and then just to remind them that they have friends. I think my party has gone on long enough. 

But I digress. My pity party started a couple of months ago. I took something that was an obstacle I needed to face and ran like a 5 year old from the dentist. I have never liked change and I didn't want to confront the change that was taking place all around, and within me. This change could have been a change for good, but because I was afraid to embrace the change it became a molehill of fear instead of a mountain of opportunity. Yes I talked a good game in the blog. And at times I did have the understanding of why. But I am also a great faker. I have learned to put on a good show, and not let anyone see the real hurt deep within you. 

So this deep hurt, fear, and eventually (what I perceived to be) rejection formed inside of me. All of this started to change me. I am a happy person by nature; I like being happy, and when I'm not happy inside I still put on a happy face for others which makes me even less happy that no one can see my real pain. When a little change started to take place within me. Nothing major, but little tiny things like actually liking the smell of coffee at work; to going out with my co-workers after a work week to hang out and get to know everyone out of the office space. Both of these incidences are not bad at all, while I had the urge to taste the coffee for a little while, I never took a sip; and when I did go out with my coworkers I really enjoyed getting to know a new group of people and interacting with them; on their own... Together combined with other things going on in my life got me started on a tight rope line kind of life. I haven't fallen of the line into the gorge below, but I look down and laugh telling myself that I am not going to fall, and if I did fall, I could return easily. 

But as in every Pride cycle one must fall. And falling for me has been harder this time than ever before. Not physically, or emotionally, but spiritually. I didn't have the same reaction to things from the spirit. I didn't have the ability to pay attention, or the desire to care. I still had a testimony, and that was good enough for me. But even though I had a testimony I didn't want to share it. 

I was trapped in my own circle of despair. Having no where to go but up, I got onto my knees tonight. I  have never stopped praying, but out of my prayer tonight became a realization. 

When I sin, it is not only about me!  It is about all my posterity, my eternal family that is watching and waiting. I am only holding myself back from things. I am not hurting any one here on earth, but I am hurting people that I do not remember. People that care about me because they are my kids, grandkids, and so forth. I am hurting them by not doing everything in my power to prepare myself of bringing them down to earth so they can be tried, and they can gain their eternal reward. I am hurting my precious earthly time with them. Holding them, rocking them to sleep, laughing, crying, and being the proudest momma the world has ever known. 

So now I feel selfish, that I have wasted so much time throwing myself the worst party ever. I am done with this party. It is time for me to let another person have all my baggage. The person I am giving my baggage to is Jesus Christ. He is my savior, he is my King. But he also is my brother, my best friend, and some one who loves me enough to take the burdens upon himself to free me from my heavy burdens. I need to thank Him for this. I need to thank Him for the relief and the stress-less days ahead. I am ready for some good days.