It's not about me!

I have days... (ok maybe weeks) where I want the world to be about ME! I go into a "pity party" mode, where even if nothing is really wrong I make it out to be the biggest thing that has ever been placed before me. Talk about making a mountain out of a grain of sand! While pity parties have their place in society, every one needs one now and then just to remind them that they have friends. I think my party has gone on long enough. 

But I digress. My pity party started a couple of months ago. I took something that was an obstacle I needed to face and ran like a 5 year old from the dentist. I have never liked change and I didn't want to confront the change that was taking place all around, and within me. This change could have been a change for good, but because I was afraid to embrace the change it became a molehill of fear instead of a mountain of opportunity. Yes I talked a good game in the blog. And at times I did have the understanding of why. But I am also a great faker. I have learned to put on a good show, and not let anyone see the real hurt deep within you. 

So this deep hurt, fear, and eventually (what I perceived to be) rejection formed inside of me. All of this started to change me. I am a happy person by nature; I like being happy, and when I'm not happy inside I still put on a happy face for others which makes me even less happy that no one can see my real pain. When a little change started to take place within me. Nothing major, but little tiny things like actually liking the smell of coffee at work; to going out with my co-workers after a work week to hang out and get to know everyone out of the office space. Both of these incidences are not bad at all, while I had the urge to taste the coffee for a little while, I never took a sip; and when I did go out with my coworkers I really enjoyed getting to know a new group of people and interacting with them; on their own... Together combined with other things going on in my life got me started on a tight rope line kind of life. I haven't fallen of the line into the gorge below, but I look down and laugh telling myself that I am not going to fall, and if I did fall, I could return easily. 

But as in every Pride cycle one must fall. And falling for me has been harder this time than ever before. Not physically, or emotionally, but spiritually. I didn't have the same reaction to things from the spirit. I didn't have the ability to pay attention, or the desire to care. I still had a testimony, and that was good enough for me. But even though I had a testimony I didn't want to share it. 

I was trapped in my own circle of despair. Having no where to go but up, I got onto my knees tonight. I  have never stopped praying, but out of my prayer tonight became a realization. 

When I sin, it is not only about me!  It is about all my posterity, my eternal family that is watching and waiting. I am only holding myself back from things. I am not hurting any one here on earth, but I am hurting people that I do not remember. People that care about me because they are my kids, grandkids, and so forth. I am hurting them by not doing everything in my power to prepare myself of bringing them down to earth so they can be tried, and they can gain their eternal reward. I am hurting my precious earthly time with them. Holding them, rocking them to sleep, laughing, crying, and being the proudest momma the world has ever known. 

So now I feel selfish, that I have wasted so much time throwing myself the worst party ever. I am done with this party. It is time for me to let another person have all my baggage. The person I am giving my baggage to is Jesus Christ. He is my savior, he is my King. But he also is my brother, my best friend, and some one who loves me enough to take the burdens upon himself to free me from my heavy burdens. I need to thank Him for this. I need to thank Him for the relief and the stress-less days ahead. I am ready for some good days.

What I have learned from Weddings

Weddings... every girl has dreamed of their perfect wedding since they were a child. That's what I enjoy about weddings is that they are all different. Same basic format, but all have a style and flavor of the newly wed couple. But seeing as I have been in what I refer to the "Single Circuit" for almost 12 years now; I have seen my fair share of weddings.

Each of these weddings are special to me. Not only do I get to see some of my dear friends get married to wonderful men (and women) but also I get to learn what goes well :) and what doesn't :(. At one point I wrote down everything that I did, or did not want at my wedding. I must admit, because I have been to so many, I am starting to get quite specific on things I do and do not want. Also because I have been a bridesmaid for 4 of my best friends, then I have seen some behind the scenes action that prepared me even more.

Nick, Sarah M, and I

Rachel, Angela, Caroline, Me, and Kim

Amy, Sarah S and I

Me, Amy, Kelsey, Danielle, and Summer (bottom row)

I love all these girls! They have been the best, and we still talk and hang out, even though they are all married. But back to my original topic... What I have learned from weddings.

1. I want a P A R T Y! I want everyone to dance, and I need a live DJ. 
2. I want a photographer that thinks outside the box.  And who knows how to take great Temple photos. (It's an art)
3. I want to have a Dollar Dance $$
4. I really want to have a fireworks show at my reception so we can kiss under the fireworks. (Maybe a little bit far fetched; but hey, when I dream... I dream BIG!)
5. I really want to slow dance with my dad. 
6. I want to have a dinner for the two families before the wedding day.
7. I want to have a toast from the Best Man, and the Maid of Honor.

Now for things that I have learned about the inner workings of weddings (that I think could have been thought out a little better before)

1. I want my reception planned to a T. Not necessarily every minute planned, but definitely having a good agenda for the time, so that the reception flows smoothly.
2. I want my wedding to be in the right climate. Not too hot, not too cold.
3. I want most of the accessories (meals, flowers, etc.) to be handled by stores (so my family isn't stressed, and can enjoy the time.
4. I want a lot of people to come. I love going to everyone's wedding, and want to see every one at mine.
5. I don't want to be stressed out, but to just enjoy the day. Plan everything up to one week before, and then just relax. (That would be in a perfect world)
6. I WILL NOT have a wedding reception inside someones house. However big the house is, it IS NOT big enough for 40 people in a kitchen.

One last thing. I know I may have a pretty detailed outline of how I want things to go, but this is me! THERE WILL BE SURPRISES. I love them, and I love the look on everyone else's faces when I surprise people! 

So I love to go to weddings, and it's a good thing too. "Mormon wedding season" is starting up in a few weeks. I have already been to two weddings this year, and have at least 10 more to go to before the end of June!! So until I can have my own wedding, I will go and enjoy. See my friends marry the person of their dreams, and ride off into the sunset together for time and all eternity.

Best Valentines Day Ever (so far)

I started out today with a bad 'tude. I have had 29 Valentines Day, and so far they have not been the best days ever... as far as I am concerned. In my 29 years I have yet to "have a valentine" to be asked on a date for valentines, or to receive roses (or candy, or a teddy bear) from a special someone. So when I went to work, and like 500 balloons were down at the desk for pick up (ok, so I over exaggerated on the balloons)  I was a again down hearted.

But my friend Amy, and I had already planned to go to an Allen American's Hockey game. I love all sports, and the American's played the #1 team in the CHL tonight. I was excited to see some good ole knocking people into the boards, and maybe even a fight or two. I wasn't disappointed!

Even thought I could have reff'ed better than the refs that were on the ice tonight (and we got trounced by the other team) I can't think of any other way that I would rather spend a Valentine's Day (well while I am single anyways.) A couple of our friends joined us to root for the American's. And we sat close to the hecklers at the game (people with drums, horns, and they love to yell at the refs/goalie of the opposing team) I got to cheer, dance, and yell at the top of my lungs.

The American's were down by 2 goals, and then the magic happened. Our player got into a fight with the other team. I started yelling a screaming for our player to hit the other guy. I realized that I wanted them to fight harder, and to see more blood. (Didn't see any tonight :( ) I think hockey is the BEST way to get out emotions. Even just watching. Hockey, more than any other team sport, promotes checking the other guy into the wall, and even fighting (to some degree.) Let me tell you, it is awesome to watch! You get to use all the anger from the day, and put it towards something constructive. I have been to many hockey games, but I'm going back to more.

GO AMERICAN'S - Don't stop living in the RED

Oh... and Happy Valentine's Day!

A Few Bad Months

So Januarys, and Februarys, have always been hard months for me. I don't know if it's because its after Christmas, and after the high I get during the season theres always a down. Because I HATE VALENTINES DAY (you would to if you have never had a valentine)!  Because it's the months leading up to my birthday. Or because it's the doldrums of winter solstice here in TX, but this year isn't the first time that these two months have been hard.

Just last year I wasn't the happiest/nicest person during this equinox. And that is just the start. I remember many years of hard times during January/February.

I seem to question my decisions, my knowledge, and my self worth all at the same time. Other times, when I only question one of those 3 I can think a little more clearly. I can take time and dissect each one individually, but still having the other 2 attributes to fall back on, and keep myself realistic, and optimistic.

Then this time of the year comes around, and it's like all the events that have shaped, and defined me from the past years have been thrown out the window, and I look only at what I need to improve on, not where I have come from, or the lessons I have learned along the way.

So I have started telling myself positive thoughts, every time that I am negative to myself. It's not a fix all, and I still struggle, but when I do catch myself and am positive, it really does help. But I put it out on the internet because I am not good with keeping promises to myself.

So I am glad that these months are almost over. I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. This months I am busier than I have been in a few months so that definitely helps when I don't have time to think about my problems.

Counting my Blessings

So yesterdays post was negative. And I don't want to be negative again. It's too much for me to handle.

But I want to talk about why being negative is not good for me. I have so many things that are going well in my life, and yet, I can only focus on the negative. So today, for every negative thing I say, I am going to immediately write 2 positive.

~ I am single :(

• I am providing for myself all on my own right now. I don't have to answer to anyone!
• I am making choices for me that I have put off for a while, and I am liking the decisions being made.

~ My friends don't do anything with me.

• I am finding hobbies that I love, and devoting myself towards such things. (Music and Video)
• My voice lessons are going really well, and I am learning so much of who I am by my voice, whether I am quiet or loud!

This is really helpful! I should do this again! I encourage you to do the same, and when you do, you will count your blessings too. Then we can sing the hymn! 

Down Turn In Life

Ok, so this is not a happy go lucky post. I think that is why I haven't written a long post in a while. I am not the person who likes to complain. Well I shouldn't say that; I complain outloud to myself MANY times. While driving in the car, walking to and from things, basically any time that is quiet. But I don't like telling people all my troubles, because people have their own problems, and they don't need mine. However I have realized that not opening up to people hurts me. I have shut myself out from friends, and family because I don't want to be hurt.

So what has been going on in my life? Questions that are left unanswered. I have refound my focus in prayer, and talking to my Father in Heaven. WOW. If you haven't humbled yourself, and just prayed what is in your heart, I would tell you to just do it! It is an amazing experience that can't be explained, but can only be felt with the holy spirit.

I can't really explain what the matter with me right now. I can't explain it to myself, so how I can I explain it to the blogosphere? But I know that I am not happy. I can't seem to find happy. That night sound funny but it's true. My happy place is far from me right now.

I know that I'm upset that I am reaching a milestone in my life... The big 3-0. In less than 2 months I will be 30. Which might not be so killer because I do t feel 30. But I am single. Which in some ways being single and 29 makes me feel like I am turning 50 not 30.

I am also alone a lot. I have need been alone very much. It IS good for me. I am learning a lot about myself. But it is also hard. I keep having thoughts about how if my friends really wanted to have me around they would invite me. But at the same time I know that I shouldn't think like that.

I know that even though it is a hard time for me right now, but it has to get better soon. I don't like to be down. And it has to get better soon right. I have good days, and bad days; everyone does. Right now just seems like a bad 2 months. The tunnel has been dark for a while, but the light hasn't gotten any brighter. Well it has to start getting brighter soon.

YouTube is giving me fits!

I have been working on the video for Dallas Cup for about a week and a half now. I can't get the video to get approved by YouTube. I own the rights to the song, so why can't I use it in my video? I even changed it up, and added a section. Still no bueno! Ok YouTube, if your gonna be like this, this means war. I will find out how I can use the sound, and still get my video uploaded. I know others do it, so is there a trick? Do you have to click a link? Do you have to read and accept something that no one has ever read the entire thing? Please let me know how I can get the video on YouTube. I am proud of the video.

I'm a Good Patient!

So yesterday I was eating lunch when... Ouch! As I bit down into my salad, shooting pains went from my teeth straight to my gums. I called the Dr for an appointment, and got one for today.

As I got into the dentist office, I was ok. Actually the pain from yesterday had pretty much subsided, so I didn't think that too much was wrong. Boy, was I!!

The dental assistant took some x-rays, and also some pictures. Then I got to wait while I heard some poor 13 yr old boy cry, scream, and whine about the pain he was in. Good thing I'm not really afraid of the dentist, cause I'm sure he would have scared people off!

I was expecting the Dr. to say "I see you have 1 cavity. Let's get that fixed." Instead I get "I see you have 3 cavities. (dum dum duuumm) Then you have (I think she called it a distal fracture) on your molar."

So instead of one filling, I got 3! And also I get to get a crown. What was supposed to take an hour, ended up taking 3.

As I was getting fitted for the crown, and the assistant was shoving some string up into my gums, the Novocain started to wear off. I started to feel every time she used the sharp pointy stick to jab up into my gums, and told the assistant. She asked if I wanted to have the Dr. come and reshoot me up with medicine. I told her no, I was ready to go, and didn't care how much pain it was, I didn't want to stay there more than I had to. So as she continued to work, she kept telling me how good I was doing.

When the Dr. got back into the room to finish the temporary crown I was feeling some pain. The assistant then told the Dr. that I had feeling coming back. Let me tell you, she didn't go lightly because she knew I was in pain. When she was done the assistant again told me how good I was even through the pain.

When I went out to line up my next appointment (to fit me with the permanent crown) the assistant couldn't stop telling me how good of a patient I had been. I thought she was going to ask me if I wanted to get a prize from the treasure box that was in the room.

If she had asked I would have gotten something too! I love stupid little toys, like the toys from Happy Meals. I put them on my shelf at work. Right now I have about 6 toys up there. I may seem a little immature, but believe me, when you are bored, they give you something to do!