A Clean House

I've never been one to be spotless, and since I am here on my own with very few visitors I haven't really bothered to clean too much. But I have been in a cleaning mood lately. Now I don't like to be dirty at all, but being spotless has never been my thing either.

This weekend though I have started a deep clean of my house. Why? A: It needs it. I have never realized how much dust settles in a house before. I don't move around too much, and I never thought I pulled in so much dust, but apparently I do. B: I finally understand the saying that the Spirit of God cannot dwell in any unclean thing. Whether it is a person, or a house; you need to be in a clean place to be of a clean mind.

I still have stuff to clean, but now it is going through bills, and putting them up. Or pictures that need to go up.

Another thing I have noticed about having a clean house is that my mood has improved. When I live in a cluttered world, my mind becomes unclear. This may change how I look at my desk at work too!!

Although I now have a relatively clean house, there is still one more thing to tackle... THE CAR!!

A Day Late and a Dollar Short

So I am working on a post. A better post than this. I promise. But right now I am having a fit with YouTube and their copyright policy. If I own the music, why can't I put it on my video? AGHH! Frustrations.

Anyway it also would have been done before now, but this week has actually been hectic. Please give me until tonight when I will again have time to finish the video project.
Oh, and I am going to try to blog about two things tonight. :)

Living on my Own: Love/Hate

So I have been living on my own for almost 4 months now! I really can't believe that it has been this long.   My first blog about Living on my own, I wrote about lessons learned.

Living on your own, there is so much to get used to. Thats what today is about. What I love, and hate about living on my own.

Love: Walking in the door to silence. It's so nice knowing that for the most part, I choose what sounds are made in my house. For all my talk of not liking silence, I think I was wrong. There are times that sitting in the silence, and the only noise that is made is the clicking of my keyboard, or the wind.

Hate: Laundry. Not doing the laundry, but LUGGING it up and down 3 flights of stairs. Tonight I almost  broke my pinky lugging the heaviest bag up tonight. Plus because I don't have a washer/dryer (and i don't want to pay to do my laundry) I have to take it to my mom's house. Now I do have a washer/dryer that is mine, but I have to find out how to get the two appliances into my closet.

Love: Decorating my apartment how I want to decorate it. All my life I have wanted to decorate, and show my creative side. Right now my apartment isn't perfect, but there are elements that I love. Like my dining room wall. I have a set of shelves that I love. It is holding a quote that I love. Also in my room I have a shelve that has pictures of my family on it.

Hate: Being alone. Now, I know what you are thinking... Doesn't the whole "Living on your own" give that away? Yes, and no. Yes, I knew that by living on my own I would have times that I was alone. But what I didn't realize is how much time I would spend alone. Sometimes I'm ok, but other times I miss having people to talk to. I think the worst part is when I remember a funny time, and I want to share it with a friend. I want to laugh with someone, and stay up too late just talking.

I have learned that many things are different when living on my own. There are some things I would change, and others that make my day. Funny thing is, I wouldn't give up the bad (except for not having anyone to laugh with) for something different. In these 4 short months I feel like I have changed who I am and that is what I wanted to do.

I hate Goodbyes!

I have moved around a lot in my life. Moved into apartments, houses, even a condo. 15 times that I can count (I don't remember how many before I was 5.) However for all the moves I have endured, I have only lived in 3 cities; and went to only 2 school districts (5th & 8th grade in Cali, other than that good ole McKinney TX.) So most of my friends have been the same all through school. My best friends in TX, (Amy, and Cindy) and then by best friend Sarah in Cali. 

Now comes post college life. I make friends, and have a great time becoming really good friends with them. Letting them into my life, telling them my insecurities, and laughing at nothing in particular with them. I also try to listen to them as best as possible. Learning about their insecurities, and trying to pick up on things that they enjoy. Finally I decide that they are now in my inner circle of friends, (you know the one, where you only trust certain people on your real feelings about things.) Everything is going great for a time, a year, maybe 4-5; I think this is when I get too comfortable. I decide that we are going to be friends forever, and that the cosmos will align, and nothing will ever go wrong in our friendship again.

I give it about a month later, and I get the news... "Hey Amanda, I wanted you to be one of the first ones to know... I'm moving to _____! (insert any city here) Please don't tell anyone yet, I'm not ready for everyone to know yet." BOMB DROPPED. First of all, I am now one of the few people that knows just about the worst news on earth at this moment. Second when they explain to me why they are leaving; I have no rebuttal. Who am I to go against the spirit, or a better job opportunity? 

Yet it's not my friends leaving that when they leave have a hard time. I'm sure they do, they are in a new place, with little to no knowledge of their new city. But all in all, they know why they have left, and have that to look towards during their hard times. But I haven't left, I am still in the same city, but now I don't have a sidekick/best friend/mentor/confidant to confide in. 

This has happened about 4 times in the last 12 years. Not too bad. I have dealt with the sadness, and loss before. And I wouldn't even let the blogosphere know about it normally. But here I am still getting over one of my best friends moving, (where I had known for 6 weeks before most people, talk about hard) and now I have to endure another friend moving. Leaving my inner circle, and leaving me to stand all alone once again. 

I don't want to be discouraged. I want to be positive; I just haven't found the positive side yet. 

Do Nothing Day

After last night and staying out way too late. I slept in until 10am

So after deciding to lay in bed for another half an hour, I decided it was time to get up (around 10:30am) I thought about what I was going to do today.

1. Go into work for OT (woke up too late... Oops)
2. Get the oil changed in my car
3. Clean my kitchen
4. Blog about last night
5. Read my book "To the Rescue"
6. Do Family History
7. Go shopping for food

What actually happened... NOTHING. I ate breakfast, and then decided that since I had a headache I was going to do nothing. It was a great do nothing day. I did finish two things on my list, I have now blogged twice today, and I have cleaned my kitchen. 

Although I didn't read in "To the Rescue" I did restart one of my favorite books of all time. "Lean on Me" by Jack Weyland. It may be a little cheesy, but I love it. 

I have also enjoyed my couch, and the book all day. My one complaint is that my feet were freezing for most of the day, even with my warm socks on. Oh well I think I will suffer. haha. 

I have even made dinner, and am making more for leftovers! (Leftovers is a big step for me... I have never liked them.) I have even learned that I enjoy the taste of my own cooking! 

Night Out

I found out something last night... I know who I am. Not like I have found all the answers I have been looking for from within myself for the last year; but I know my standards, and my abilities.

In the past, I thought that by living by these standards meant that my fun days were limited. Not in the number, but in the amount of fun I could have with friends not from my Mormon background. Not that my friends are bad, they are nothing of the sort, but that they would try to push me into a situation that I was uncomfortable with.

This all changed last night. I went out with two co-workers. we stopped by 3 establishments; all were fun but some more than others. When we arrived at the first establishment, it was to early to dance. We laughed, and people watched for a little bit. The next establishment I knew the password to get in free! First we watched a comedy show, FUNNY! Then we did some dancing under the laser lights. The atmosphere was great. The other people there were really nice, and we all just wanted to have fun. The last establishment was the best. We met up with another co-worker and her friends. They had a a couple of line dances (we Mormons know how to line dance) but all these line dances were new to me. Most of them were fairly easy, so I picked up on them. But there is one called the "Wobble" that was my favorite! After about 5 line dances the regular music picked up again, and I watched as my co-workers friends actually knew how to shuffle! Like for real, and very well. All in all a great night out with friends.

Not once did I feel uneasy about something, or scared. I was well aware of who I was at all times. I can have fun, and be me. I can be adventurous and see new things. But I will always know where my line is to not be crossed. Last night was a new adventure that I am glad I took the risk to take. It helped me realize more who I am.

Truth is hard

Sometimes speaking the truth is hard. I don't know how the other person is going to react to the truth, and I like to know how people are going to react so i can prepare myself for whatever lies next.

But I think that telling yourself the truth is even harder. It takes a lot of guts to tell yourself something. I took me a long time to tell myself that it is only me who can make myself happy. Everyone has told me this. Parents, friends, Romans (haha) even counselors, and I have repeated it back like a parrot. I must have made it even sound convincing, because most of them seemed happy enough.

I've never believed it for myself. Other people are always the one to make me happy. Friends when they come up to me with a smile on their face, because they have a secret to share. Managers when they see I have done a great job at something, and have noticed it. I have always been a promoter of awards and recognition because hearing my name called for something special lets me know I am special, and others have noticed. I guess I have been an actress my entire life, and the world was my stage for the audience to applaud.

Until all that stopped. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the praise given; but something inside of me has changed. I stopped going anywhere, stopped doing things with people. Not because I didn't want to be busy, but because I knew I had to take control of myself. I cared more about what others thought of me, than what I thought of myself. I crumbled when my friends were mad at me, and I lost myself in making sure that I didn't offend people. Never being too good, or too bad, or too unhappy. Just sitting in a world of bland emotions. Never really being able to open up to most people, because that would end of hurting me one way or another. Subconsciously I have been protecting myself from myself.

When I had my first "talk" with myself I don't think I believed my words. Why should I? I have never before. But as eash day has progressed and I am able to continue telling myself that I am happy because I want to be happy for myself, it is getting better. Not everything is hunky-dory, and when I see friends its hard not to want them to pick me up, but knowing that it will start the process all over again leaves me to stop the dependency. It will be a long road, and I have just taken the first steps, but the steps have been taken.

I will one day be my own best friend, and when that day comes... I might even throw a party for myself!
Who's in? 

Calling all models!

Ok, so no, I am not doing a professional shoot. That would be nice, however I am shooting a movie, and need some more models. No experience nessasary, just you, and your smiling self.  I will be asking around after institute tonight. Just let me know if you want to be in a new movie!

Differences between Men and Women (DMW) 1

I am going to start doing a weekly blog of the differences between Men and Women. Since it is going to be a regular occurrence, and that's a long Title, I am going to call it DMW.

Today's DMW is the walk. We all walk differently, but I have seen in the past days that men and women have VERY distinct walks.

Women have similarities in their walks. The soft sway of the hips, just a little bit each foot crossing into the other's line (think catwalk). The sway of the hips is a way of beckoning men to come and talk. Women enjoy walking in groups, and become more relaxed when doing so.  Also they enjoy walking for the camera, making sure to have a moment to shine individually.

Men have very different walks. Men use less hips, and more shoulder movements. When men strut with their shoulders out they are trying to attract a woman. You can almost tell the personality of the man by his walk. A athletic male has a wider base and walk very imposing. The professional man is very determined but his steps are faster, and longer. The slacker has a very laid back posture, and doesn't move very fast at all. They are not too eager to walk on camera, and seem to stiffen under the camera's eye.

Now onto something that you can help me with. Next weeks Difference between Men and Women!

I have some ideas but want to know you opinions. Leave me a message in the comment section, or on my Facebook Page, or on Google+.

1. Smiles
2. Ideal dates
3. Hobbies
4. Like to do for fun.

Also if you are interested in being a model/interviewee on a video let me know as well! I love talking to new people.

New Post coming soon...

So I just got an awesome idea for a post. Hopefully I can get some video tonight, and edit it too!

When does age matter?

Sometimes I feel too old, others too young.

Too old to be a kid anymore. I think of the kids that just graduated high school. How they are still teenagers, and see the world through rose colored glasses. Everything is bright and new, ready to be explored. These teens care about what they know, I'm not saying everyone does; but their perspective is limited. I've been there, I remember only being able to see what lies ahead of me. Consequences didn't matter because I wanted to have fun.

Too young to be considered for anything of importance. I don't want to say that in a negative way. But that's how I feel. I have ideas, that I want to share with the world; but how do you get people to listen when they are only ideas. I am not of wealthy parents, I do not have the capital to start up these ideas. I don't have much to show of them really. Just a inability to think of much else when it pops into my head.

I feel like because of my age no one takes me seriously. The younger crowd see me as a individual who is trying to hang onto her youth. The adults see me as too young to handle any real responsibility, or too naive to understand all needs to be done.

My dad has always taught me that even though you grow up physically, and mentally, you can always still have a young heart. That's what I feel like I have. A heart that isn't ready to be a dull adult. Not ready to be tamed.

I think of adults that I admire, who like me, still have a young heart. A Young Women's President when I was a teen who kept me in stitches laughing so hard. She is a child at heart. Another woman that I admire is a P.E. Teacher/DJ lady for DJP Mobile Sound. She has so much energy!

Winter Hibernation

I know why bears hibernate. Not because of the cold, not because of the lack of food; because there is nothing to do. When you get home from work, and its already dark, you don't go out to do more. Once inside, you stay inside. If I do have things to do after work, I know not to go home, because if I do, I'm not going to my night activity.

I would like to think that if I lived in a place that had snow regularly that I would go outside, build snowmen, have a snowball fight. Ski, and snowboard. Oh how fun that sounds! Just to have snow above my ankles sounds like fun to me!

So why hibernate? Well first of all, I am comfortable in my home. I can curl up on the couch, and read, r watch tv. But it gives me time to reflect. I have learned to like reflection. But also I think when the sun goes down around 6pm, I feel like the only thing to do is go home.

I don't like the dark. First of all, I have always learned that the light is good, and the dark is bad. But the dark always come with creepy sounds, and shadows that I can never figure out what they are. Even a stuffed animal can become a ferocious beast in the dark.

So when the dark comes, I hibernate, because I can control this dark. And I know my house well enough to not be afraid of these sounds.

Video coming soon!

I am going to post a video I edited last night tonight! I couldn't get it to uplad fast enough this morning before I left for work :(

What we want

I got a video camera for Christmas! I took my newest toy to a ugly sweater/mustache party on New Years Eve eve (December 30th) I didn't know what to record, so I started asking a basic question.

"What do men like in women? And what do women like in men?"

Then I just started to tape. The results were mixed. Some of my friends gave real honest answers, some unique answers, and others, random answers that aren't meant to be taken seriously. So tonight I did a very rough edit to post the finish project. Remember, this was my first time with a new camera. I am still learning.

What We Want!

Living on my own 1

Today I wanted to tell everyone what I have learned from living on my own at my apartment. Some things may sound simple and no brainers, but until you have to do it yourself, you don't realize the little things that happen.

Please don't be afraid to leave a comment, as I am still learning, and welcome any lessons.

1. The disposal can smell bad! I came home one night, and smelled a foul smell. I thought it might be the trash as I hadn't taken it out for a couple of days (I don't want to waste a trash bag.) I took it out, and sprayed febreeze (yes it really works). But when I came back home the next day, still the foul odor was there, and getting worse. A friend suggested taking out the black rim of my disposal and cleaning it out. When I started to clean it; a gross nasty black film that was stuck to the underside of the black rim came out. I cleaned as much as I could, and then poured some lemon juice down the drain. 
2. Don't leave noodles in a crockpot all day long. I decided one day that I was going to make chicken noodle soup. I chopped the veggies, precooked the chicken, and added it all to the broth in the crockpot. Wanting the noodles to absorb the broth, I added the noodles before I left for church, turned the crockpot on low, and left. Coming back home I was excited when I came in, and it smelled good! I had to friends come over as well to celebrate my first real complete meal made all by myself. As we went to look at the dinner, I was dumbfounded that the noodles had almost quadrupled in size. They took up most of the crockpot. The soup, and chicken still tasted good, but the noodles were way too soft, and had too much of the broth in the noodle. 



Noodles

3. The dishwasher creates heat, which then takes away heat from the rest of the house. It has been unseasonably warm this past weekend. Saturday it was 72 here! But I was sitting on my couch with a blanket around me because I was cold.  I ended up shutting off my heater, and opening up my doors, and windows. I thought that I was getting sick because I was cold. No it turns out that my dishwasher was staying on (not sure why yet) and my dishwasher is right by my heater intake. While my dishwasher was on the warmth is making my heater think that it is warm enough to turn on my air conditioner! No wonder my feet have been so cold. For now it is fixed by leaving my dishwasher open just a crack to make it shut off. But I am going to have to talk to my apartment managers about what I can do to fix it.

These are just the first three things I have learned from living on my own. I'm sure there is more, but I can't think of anything right now. 

2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2012 is already a big change in my life. I can feel it. It has only been two days of the new year, but already I feel more focused on my future. I have a lot of good talks to myself, about the things I am going to see come to fruition this year, not just things that I want to happen. 


There was no magic pill that I took that gave me motivation, no quote I read that is giving me positive reinforcement. Just something simple said yesterday at church. That when we tell Heavenly Father what we truly desire, it becomes His desire as well for us (as long as it is a righteous desire). I have thought about that all evening long. What are the deepest desires of my heart? These are not goals; goals are too finicky, and changeable. Desires are persistent, and a steady wish from my heart.


I can't tell you all my desires. They are personal, and only meaningful to me. This isn't to say that I don't want to be accountable for them, but for once the only person I really want to be accountable to is myself. It really boils down to the self journey that I am taking. It is very long and arduous, but very rewarding as I am the only one who can praise my self when I do something right, and the only one who can discipline myself when I do something wrong. This has been helping me a ton with my self esteem. I used to look to others to give me my self worth, but I know now that you have to be happy with who you are, before it matters what anyone else thinks.