Truth is hard

Sometimes speaking the truth is hard. I don't know how the other person is going to react to the truth, and I like to know how people are going to react so i can prepare myself for whatever lies next.

But I think that telling yourself the truth is even harder. It takes a lot of guts to tell yourself something. I took me a long time to tell myself that it is only me who can make myself happy. Everyone has told me this. Parents, friends, Romans (haha) even counselors, and I have repeated it back like a parrot. I must have made it even sound convincing, because most of them seemed happy enough.

I've never believed it for myself. Other people are always the one to make me happy. Friends when they come up to me with a smile on their face, because they have a secret to share. Managers when they see I have done a great job at something, and have noticed it. I have always been a promoter of awards and recognition because hearing my name called for something special lets me know I am special, and others have noticed. I guess I have been an actress my entire life, and the world was my stage for the audience to applaud.

Until all that stopped. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the praise given; but something inside of me has changed. I stopped going anywhere, stopped doing things with people. Not because I didn't want to be busy, but because I knew I had to take control of myself. I cared more about what others thought of me, than what I thought of myself. I crumbled when my friends were mad at me, and I lost myself in making sure that I didn't offend people. Never being too good, or too bad, or too unhappy. Just sitting in a world of bland emotions. Never really being able to open up to most people, because that would end of hurting me one way or another. Subconsciously I have been protecting myself from myself.

When I had my first "talk" with myself I don't think I believed my words. Why should I? I have never before. But as eash day has progressed and I am able to continue telling myself that I am happy because I want to be happy for myself, it is getting better. Not everything is hunky-dory, and when I see friends its hard not to want them to pick me up, but knowing that it will start the process all over again leaves me to stop the dependency. It will be a long road, and I have just taken the first steps, but the steps have been taken.

I will one day be my own best friend, and when that day comes... I might even throw a party for myself!
Who's in?