It's not about me!

I have days... (ok maybe weeks) where I want the world to be about ME! I go into a "pity party" mode, where even if nothing is really wrong I make it out to be the biggest thing that has ever been placed before me. Talk about making a mountain out of a grain of sand! While pity parties have their place in society, every one needs one now and then just to remind them that they have friends. I think my party has gone on long enough. 

But I digress. My pity party started a couple of months ago. I took something that was an obstacle I needed to face and ran like a 5 year old from the dentist. I have never liked change and I didn't want to confront the change that was taking place all around, and within me. This change could have been a change for good, but because I was afraid to embrace the change it became a molehill of fear instead of a mountain of opportunity. Yes I talked a good game in the blog. And at times I did have the understanding of why. But I am also a great faker. I have learned to put on a good show, and not let anyone see the real hurt deep within you. 

So this deep hurt, fear, and eventually (what I perceived to be) rejection formed inside of me. All of this started to change me. I am a happy person by nature; I like being happy, and when I'm not happy inside I still put on a happy face for others which makes me even less happy that no one can see my real pain. When a little change started to take place within me. Nothing major, but little tiny things like actually liking the smell of coffee at work; to going out with my co-workers after a work week to hang out and get to know everyone out of the office space. Both of these incidences are not bad at all, while I had the urge to taste the coffee for a little while, I never took a sip; and when I did go out with my coworkers I really enjoyed getting to know a new group of people and interacting with them; on their own... Together combined with other things going on in my life got me started on a tight rope line kind of life. I haven't fallen of the line into the gorge below, but I look down and laugh telling myself that I am not going to fall, and if I did fall, I could return easily. 

But as in every Pride cycle one must fall. And falling for me has been harder this time than ever before. Not physically, or emotionally, but spiritually. I didn't have the same reaction to things from the spirit. I didn't have the ability to pay attention, or the desire to care. I still had a testimony, and that was good enough for me. But even though I had a testimony I didn't want to share it. 

I was trapped in my own circle of despair. Having no where to go but up, I got onto my knees tonight. I  have never stopped praying, but out of my prayer tonight became a realization. 

When I sin, it is not only about me!  It is about all my posterity, my eternal family that is watching and waiting. I am only holding myself back from things. I am not hurting any one here on earth, but I am hurting people that I do not remember. People that care about me because they are my kids, grandkids, and so forth. I am hurting them by not doing everything in my power to prepare myself of bringing them down to earth so they can be tried, and they can gain their eternal reward. I am hurting my precious earthly time with them. Holding them, rocking them to sleep, laughing, crying, and being the proudest momma the world has ever known. 

So now I feel selfish, that I have wasted so much time throwing myself the worst party ever. I am done with this party. It is time for me to let another person have all my baggage. The person I am giving my baggage to is Jesus Christ. He is my savior, he is my King. But he also is my brother, my best friend, and some one who loves me enough to take the burdens upon himself to free me from my heavy burdens. I need to thank Him for this. I need to thank Him for the relief and the stress-less days ahead. I am ready for some good days.

What I have learned from Weddings

Weddings... every girl has dreamed of their perfect wedding since they were a child. That's what I enjoy about weddings is that they are all different. Same basic format, but all have a style and flavor of the newly wed couple. But seeing as I have been in what I refer to the "Single Circuit" for almost 12 years now; I have seen my fair share of weddings.

Each of these weddings are special to me. Not only do I get to see some of my dear friends get married to wonderful men (and women) but also I get to learn what goes well :) and what doesn't :(. At one point I wrote down everything that I did, or did not want at my wedding. I must admit, because I have been to so many, I am starting to get quite specific on things I do and do not want. Also because I have been a bridesmaid for 4 of my best friends, then I have seen some behind the scenes action that prepared me even more.

Nick, Sarah M, and I

Rachel, Angela, Caroline, Me, and Kim

Amy, Sarah S and I

Me, Amy, Kelsey, Danielle, and Summer (bottom row)

I love all these girls! They have been the best, and we still talk and hang out, even though they are all married. But back to my original topic... What I have learned from weddings.

1. I want a P A R T Y! I want everyone to dance, and I need a live DJ. 
2. I want a photographer that thinks outside the box.  And who knows how to take great Temple photos. (It's an art)
3. I want to have a Dollar Dance $$
4. I really want to have a fireworks show at my reception so we can kiss under the fireworks. (Maybe a little bit far fetched; but hey, when I dream... I dream BIG!)
5. I really want to slow dance with my dad. 
6. I want to have a dinner for the two families before the wedding day.
7. I want to have a toast from the Best Man, and the Maid of Honor.

Now for things that I have learned about the inner workings of weddings (that I think could have been thought out a little better before)

1. I want my reception planned to a T. Not necessarily every minute planned, but definitely having a good agenda for the time, so that the reception flows smoothly.
2. I want my wedding to be in the right climate. Not too hot, not too cold.
3. I want most of the accessories (meals, flowers, etc.) to be handled by stores (so my family isn't stressed, and can enjoy the time.
4. I want a lot of people to come. I love going to everyone's wedding, and want to see every one at mine.
5. I don't want to be stressed out, but to just enjoy the day. Plan everything up to one week before, and then just relax. (That would be in a perfect world)
6. I WILL NOT have a wedding reception inside someones house. However big the house is, it IS NOT big enough for 40 people in a kitchen.

One last thing. I know I may have a pretty detailed outline of how I want things to go, but this is me! THERE WILL BE SURPRISES. I love them, and I love the look on everyone else's faces when I surprise people! 

So I love to go to weddings, and it's a good thing too. "Mormon wedding season" is starting up in a few weeks. I have already been to two weddings this year, and have at least 10 more to go to before the end of June!! So until I can have my own wedding, I will go and enjoy. See my friends marry the person of their dreams, and ride off into the sunset together for time and all eternity.

Best Valentines Day Ever (so far)

I started out today with a bad 'tude. I have had 29 Valentines Day, and so far they have not been the best days ever... as far as I am concerned. In my 29 years I have yet to "have a valentine" to be asked on a date for valentines, or to receive roses (or candy, or a teddy bear) from a special someone. So when I went to work, and like 500 balloons were down at the desk for pick up (ok, so I over exaggerated on the balloons)  I was a again down hearted.

But my friend Amy, and I had already planned to go to an Allen American's Hockey game. I love all sports, and the American's played the #1 team in the CHL tonight. I was excited to see some good ole knocking people into the boards, and maybe even a fight or two. I wasn't disappointed!

Even thought I could have reff'ed better than the refs that were on the ice tonight (and we got trounced by the other team) I can't think of any other way that I would rather spend a Valentine's Day (well while I am single anyways.) A couple of our friends joined us to root for the American's. And we sat close to the hecklers at the game (people with drums, horns, and they love to yell at the refs/goalie of the opposing team) I got to cheer, dance, and yell at the top of my lungs.

The American's were down by 2 goals, and then the magic happened. Our player got into a fight with the other team. I started yelling a screaming for our player to hit the other guy. I realized that I wanted them to fight harder, and to see more blood. (Didn't see any tonight :( ) I think hockey is the BEST way to get out emotions. Even just watching. Hockey, more than any other team sport, promotes checking the other guy into the wall, and even fighting (to some degree.) Let me tell you, it is awesome to watch! You get to use all the anger from the day, and put it towards something constructive. I have been to many hockey games, but I'm going back to more.

GO AMERICAN'S - Don't stop living in the RED

Oh... and Happy Valentine's Day!

A Few Bad Months

So Januarys, and Februarys, have always been hard months for me. I don't know if it's because its after Christmas, and after the high I get during the season theres always a down. Because I HATE VALENTINES DAY (you would to if you have never had a valentine)!  Because it's the months leading up to my birthday. Or because it's the doldrums of winter solstice here in TX, but this year isn't the first time that these two months have been hard.

Just last year I wasn't the happiest/nicest person during this equinox. And that is just the start. I remember many years of hard times during January/February.

I seem to question my decisions, my knowledge, and my self worth all at the same time. Other times, when I only question one of those 3 I can think a little more clearly. I can take time and dissect each one individually, but still having the other 2 attributes to fall back on, and keep myself realistic, and optimistic.

Then this time of the year comes around, and it's like all the events that have shaped, and defined me from the past years have been thrown out the window, and I look only at what I need to improve on, not where I have come from, or the lessons I have learned along the way.

So I have started telling myself positive thoughts, every time that I am negative to myself. It's not a fix all, and I still struggle, but when I do catch myself and am positive, it really does help. But I put it out on the internet because I am not good with keeping promises to myself.

So I am glad that these months are almost over. I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. This months I am busier than I have been in a few months so that definitely helps when I don't have time to think about my problems.

Counting my Blessings

So yesterdays post was negative. And I don't want to be negative again. It's too much for me to handle.

But I want to talk about why being negative is not good for me. I have so many things that are going well in my life, and yet, I can only focus on the negative. So today, for every negative thing I say, I am going to immediately write 2 positive.

~ I am single :(

• I am providing for myself all on my own right now. I don't have to answer to anyone!
• I am making choices for me that I have put off for a while, and I am liking the decisions being made.

~ My friends don't do anything with me.

• I am finding hobbies that I love, and devoting myself towards such things. (Music and Video)
• My voice lessons are going really well, and I am learning so much of who I am by my voice, whether I am quiet or loud!

This is really helpful! I should do this again! I encourage you to do the same, and when you do, you will count your blessings too. Then we can sing the hymn! 

Down Turn In Life

Ok, so this is not a happy go lucky post. I think that is why I haven't written a long post in a while. I am not the person who likes to complain. Well I shouldn't say that; I complain outloud to myself MANY times. While driving in the car, walking to and from things, basically any time that is quiet. But I don't like telling people all my troubles, because people have their own problems, and they don't need mine. However I have realized that not opening up to people hurts me. I have shut myself out from friends, and family because I don't want to be hurt.

So what has been going on in my life? Questions that are left unanswered. I have refound my focus in prayer, and talking to my Father in Heaven. WOW. If you haven't humbled yourself, and just prayed what is in your heart, I would tell you to just do it! It is an amazing experience that can't be explained, but can only be felt with the holy spirit.

I can't really explain what the matter with me right now. I can't explain it to myself, so how I can I explain it to the blogosphere? But I know that I am not happy. I can't seem to find happy. That night sound funny but it's true. My happy place is far from me right now.

I know that I'm upset that I am reaching a milestone in my life... The big 3-0. In less than 2 months I will be 30. Which might not be so killer because I do t feel 30. But I am single. Which in some ways being single and 29 makes me feel like I am turning 50 not 30.

I am also alone a lot. I have need been alone very much. It IS good for me. I am learning a lot about myself. But it is also hard. I keep having thoughts about how if my friends really wanted to have me around they would invite me. But at the same time I know that I shouldn't think like that.

I know that even though it is a hard time for me right now, but it has to get better soon. I don't like to be down. And it has to get better soon right. I have good days, and bad days; everyone does. Right now just seems like a bad 2 months. The tunnel has been dark for a while, but the light hasn't gotten any brighter. Well it has to start getting brighter soon.

YouTube is giving me fits!

I have been working on the video for Dallas Cup for about a week and a half now. I can't get the video to get approved by YouTube. I own the rights to the song, so why can't I use it in my video? I even changed it up, and added a section. Still no bueno! Ok YouTube, if your gonna be like this, this means war. I will find out how I can use the sound, and still get my video uploaded. I know others do it, so is there a trick? Do you have to click a link? Do you have to read and accept something that no one has ever read the entire thing? Please let me know how I can get the video on YouTube. I am proud of the video.

I'm a Good Patient!

So yesterday I was eating lunch when... Ouch! As I bit down into my salad, shooting pains went from my teeth straight to my gums. I called the Dr for an appointment, and got one for today.

As I got into the dentist office, I was ok. Actually the pain from yesterday had pretty much subsided, so I didn't think that too much was wrong. Boy, was I!!

The dental assistant took some x-rays, and also some pictures. Then I got to wait while I heard some poor 13 yr old boy cry, scream, and whine about the pain he was in. Good thing I'm not really afraid of the dentist, cause I'm sure he would have scared people off!

I was expecting the Dr. to say "I see you have 1 cavity. Let's get that fixed." Instead I get "I see you have 3 cavities. (dum dum duuumm) Then you have (I think she called it a distal fracture) on your molar."

So instead of one filling, I got 3! And also I get to get a crown. What was supposed to take an hour, ended up taking 3.

As I was getting fitted for the crown, and the assistant was shoving some string up into my gums, the Novocain started to wear off. I started to feel every time she used the sharp pointy stick to jab up into my gums, and told the assistant. She asked if I wanted to have the Dr. come and reshoot me up with medicine. I told her no, I was ready to go, and didn't care how much pain it was, I didn't want to stay there more than I had to. So as she continued to work, she kept telling me how good I was doing.

When the Dr. got back into the room to finish the temporary crown I was feeling some pain. The assistant then told the Dr. that I had feeling coming back. Let me tell you, she didn't go lightly because she knew I was in pain. When she was done the assistant again told me how good I was even through the pain.

When I went out to line up my next appointment (to fit me with the permanent crown) the assistant couldn't stop telling me how good of a patient I had been. I thought she was going to ask me if I wanted to get a prize from the treasure box that was in the room.

If she had asked I would have gotten something too! I love stupid little toys, like the toys from Happy Meals. I put them on my shelf at work. Right now I have about 6 toys up there. I may seem a little immature, but believe me, when you are bored, they give you something to do!

A Clean House

I've never been one to be spotless, and since I am here on my own with very few visitors I haven't really bothered to clean too much. But I have been in a cleaning mood lately. Now I don't like to be dirty at all, but being spotless has never been my thing either.

This weekend though I have started a deep clean of my house. Why? A: It needs it. I have never realized how much dust settles in a house before. I don't move around too much, and I never thought I pulled in so much dust, but apparently I do. B: I finally understand the saying that the Spirit of God cannot dwell in any unclean thing. Whether it is a person, or a house; you need to be in a clean place to be of a clean mind.

I still have stuff to clean, but now it is going through bills, and putting them up. Or pictures that need to go up.

Another thing I have noticed about having a clean house is that my mood has improved. When I live in a cluttered world, my mind becomes unclear. This may change how I look at my desk at work too!!

Although I now have a relatively clean house, there is still one more thing to tackle... THE CAR!!

A Day Late and a Dollar Short

So I am working on a post. A better post than this. I promise. But right now I am having a fit with YouTube and their copyright policy. If I own the music, why can't I put it on my video? AGHH! Frustrations.

Anyway it also would have been done before now, but this week has actually been hectic. Please give me until tonight when I will again have time to finish the video project.
Oh, and I am going to try to blog about two things tonight. :)

Living on my Own: Love/Hate

So I have been living on my own for almost 4 months now! I really can't believe that it has been this long.   My first blog about Living on my own, I wrote about lessons learned.

Living on your own, there is so much to get used to. Thats what today is about. What I love, and hate about living on my own.

Love: Walking in the door to silence. It's so nice knowing that for the most part, I choose what sounds are made in my house. For all my talk of not liking silence, I think I was wrong. There are times that sitting in the silence, and the only noise that is made is the clicking of my keyboard, or the wind.

Hate: Laundry. Not doing the laundry, but LUGGING it up and down 3 flights of stairs. Tonight I almost  broke my pinky lugging the heaviest bag up tonight. Plus because I don't have a washer/dryer (and i don't want to pay to do my laundry) I have to take it to my mom's house. Now I do have a washer/dryer that is mine, but I have to find out how to get the two appliances into my closet.

Love: Decorating my apartment how I want to decorate it. All my life I have wanted to decorate, and show my creative side. Right now my apartment isn't perfect, but there are elements that I love. Like my dining room wall. I have a set of shelves that I love. It is holding a quote that I love. Also in my room I have a shelve that has pictures of my family on it.

Hate: Being alone. Now, I know what you are thinking... Doesn't the whole "Living on your own" give that away? Yes, and no. Yes, I knew that by living on my own I would have times that I was alone. But what I didn't realize is how much time I would spend alone. Sometimes I'm ok, but other times I miss having people to talk to. I think the worst part is when I remember a funny time, and I want to share it with a friend. I want to laugh with someone, and stay up too late just talking.

I have learned that many things are different when living on my own. There are some things I would change, and others that make my day. Funny thing is, I wouldn't give up the bad (except for not having anyone to laugh with) for something different. In these 4 short months I feel like I have changed who I am and that is what I wanted to do.

I hate Goodbyes!

I have moved around a lot in my life. Moved into apartments, houses, even a condo. 15 times that I can count (I don't remember how many before I was 5.) However for all the moves I have endured, I have only lived in 3 cities; and went to only 2 school districts (5th & 8th grade in Cali, other than that good ole McKinney TX.) So most of my friends have been the same all through school. My best friends in TX, (Amy, and Cindy) and then by best friend Sarah in Cali. 

Now comes post college life. I make friends, and have a great time becoming really good friends with them. Letting them into my life, telling them my insecurities, and laughing at nothing in particular with them. I also try to listen to them as best as possible. Learning about their insecurities, and trying to pick up on things that they enjoy. Finally I decide that they are now in my inner circle of friends, (you know the one, where you only trust certain people on your real feelings about things.) Everything is going great for a time, a year, maybe 4-5; I think this is when I get too comfortable. I decide that we are going to be friends forever, and that the cosmos will align, and nothing will ever go wrong in our friendship again.

I give it about a month later, and I get the news... "Hey Amanda, I wanted you to be one of the first ones to know... I'm moving to _____! (insert any city here) Please don't tell anyone yet, I'm not ready for everyone to know yet." BOMB DROPPED. First of all, I am now one of the few people that knows just about the worst news on earth at this moment. Second when they explain to me why they are leaving; I have no rebuttal. Who am I to go against the spirit, or a better job opportunity? 

Yet it's not my friends leaving that when they leave have a hard time. I'm sure they do, they are in a new place, with little to no knowledge of their new city. But all in all, they know why they have left, and have that to look towards during their hard times. But I haven't left, I am still in the same city, but now I don't have a sidekick/best friend/mentor/confidant to confide in. 

This has happened about 4 times in the last 12 years. Not too bad. I have dealt with the sadness, and loss before. And I wouldn't even let the blogosphere know about it normally. But here I am still getting over one of my best friends moving, (where I had known for 6 weeks before most people, talk about hard) and now I have to endure another friend moving. Leaving my inner circle, and leaving me to stand all alone once again. 

I don't want to be discouraged. I want to be positive; I just haven't found the positive side yet. 

Do Nothing Day

After last night and staying out way too late. I slept in until 10am

So after deciding to lay in bed for another half an hour, I decided it was time to get up (around 10:30am) I thought about what I was going to do today.

1. Go into work for OT (woke up too late... Oops)
2. Get the oil changed in my car
3. Clean my kitchen
4. Blog about last night
5. Read my book "To the Rescue"
6. Do Family History
7. Go shopping for food

What actually happened... NOTHING. I ate breakfast, and then decided that since I had a headache I was going to do nothing. It was a great do nothing day. I did finish two things on my list, I have now blogged twice today, and I have cleaned my kitchen. 

Although I didn't read in "To the Rescue" I did restart one of my favorite books of all time. "Lean on Me" by Jack Weyland. It may be a little cheesy, but I love it. 

I have also enjoyed my couch, and the book all day. My one complaint is that my feet were freezing for most of the day, even with my warm socks on. Oh well I think I will suffer. haha. 

I have even made dinner, and am making more for leftovers! (Leftovers is a big step for me... I have never liked them.) I have even learned that I enjoy the taste of my own cooking! 

Night Out

I found out something last night... I know who I am. Not like I have found all the answers I have been looking for from within myself for the last year; but I know my standards, and my abilities.

In the past, I thought that by living by these standards meant that my fun days were limited. Not in the number, but in the amount of fun I could have with friends not from my Mormon background. Not that my friends are bad, they are nothing of the sort, but that they would try to push me into a situation that I was uncomfortable with.

This all changed last night. I went out with two co-workers. we stopped by 3 establishments; all were fun but some more than others. When we arrived at the first establishment, it was to early to dance. We laughed, and people watched for a little bit. The next establishment I knew the password to get in free! First we watched a comedy show, FUNNY! Then we did some dancing under the laser lights. The atmosphere was great. The other people there were really nice, and we all just wanted to have fun. The last establishment was the best. We met up with another co-worker and her friends. They had a a couple of line dances (we Mormons know how to line dance) but all these line dances were new to me. Most of them were fairly easy, so I picked up on them. But there is one called the "Wobble" that was my favorite! After about 5 line dances the regular music picked up again, and I watched as my co-workers friends actually knew how to shuffle! Like for real, and very well. All in all a great night out with friends.

Not once did I feel uneasy about something, or scared. I was well aware of who I was at all times. I can have fun, and be me. I can be adventurous and see new things. But I will always know where my line is to not be crossed. Last night was a new adventure that I am glad I took the risk to take. It helped me realize more who I am.

Truth is hard

Sometimes speaking the truth is hard. I don't know how the other person is going to react to the truth, and I like to know how people are going to react so i can prepare myself for whatever lies next.

But I think that telling yourself the truth is even harder. It takes a lot of guts to tell yourself something. I took me a long time to tell myself that it is only me who can make myself happy. Everyone has told me this. Parents, friends, Romans (haha) even counselors, and I have repeated it back like a parrot. I must have made it even sound convincing, because most of them seemed happy enough.

I've never believed it for myself. Other people are always the one to make me happy. Friends when they come up to me with a smile on their face, because they have a secret to share. Managers when they see I have done a great job at something, and have noticed it. I have always been a promoter of awards and recognition because hearing my name called for something special lets me know I am special, and others have noticed. I guess I have been an actress my entire life, and the world was my stage for the audience to applaud.

Until all that stopped. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the praise given; but something inside of me has changed. I stopped going anywhere, stopped doing things with people. Not because I didn't want to be busy, but because I knew I had to take control of myself. I cared more about what others thought of me, than what I thought of myself. I crumbled when my friends were mad at me, and I lost myself in making sure that I didn't offend people. Never being too good, or too bad, or too unhappy. Just sitting in a world of bland emotions. Never really being able to open up to most people, because that would end of hurting me one way or another. Subconsciously I have been protecting myself from myself.

When I had my first "talk" with myself I don't think I believed my words. Why should I? I have never before. But as eash day has progressed and I am able to continue telling myself that I am happy because I want to be happy for myself, it is getting better. Not everything is hunky-dory, and when I see friends its hard not to want them to pick me up, but knowing that it will start the process all over again leaves me to stop the dependency. It will be a long road, and I have just taken the first steps, but the steps have been taken.

I will one day be my own best friend, and when that day comes... I might even throw a party for myself!
Who's in? 

Calling all models!

Ok, so no, I am not doing a professional shoot. That would be nice, however I am shooting a movie, and need some more models. No experience nessasary, just you, and your smiling self.  I will be asking around after institute tonight. Just let me know if you want to be in a new movie!

Differences between Men and Women (DMW) 1

I am going to start doing a weekly blog of the differences between Men and Women. Since it is going to be a regular occurrence, and that's a long Title, I am going to call it DMW.

Today's DMW is the walk. We all walk differently, but I have seen in the past days that men and women have VERY distinct walks.

Women have similarities in their walks. The soft sway of the hips, just a little bit each foot crossing into the other's line (think catwalk). The sway of the hips is a way of beckoning men to come and talk. Women enjoy walking in groups, and become more relaxed when doing so.  Also they enjoy walking for the camera, making sure to have a moment to shine individually.

Men have very different walks. Men use less hips, and more shoulder movements. When men strut with their shoulders out they are trying to attract a woman. You can almost tell the personality of the man by his walk. A athletic male has a wider base and walk very imposing. The professional man is very determined but his steps are faster, and longer. The slacker has a very laid back posture, and doesn't move very fast at all. They are not too eager to walk on camera, and seem to stiffen under the camera's eye.

Now onto something that you can help me with. Next weeks Difference between Men and Women!

I have some ideas but want to know you opinions. Leave me a message in the comment section, or on my Facebook Page, or on Google+.

1. Smiles
2. Ideal dates
3. Hobbies
4. Like to do for fun.

Also if you are interested in being a model/interviewee on a video let me know as well! I love talking to new people.

New Post coming soon...

So I just got an awesome idea for a post. Hopefully I can get some video tonight, and edit it too!

When does age matter?

Sometimes I feel too old, others too young.

Too old to be a kid anymore. I think of the kids that just graduated high school. How they are still teenagers, and see the world through rose colored glasses. Everything is bright and new, ready to be explored. These teens care about what they know, I'm not saying everyone does; but their perspective is limited. I've been there, I remember only being able to see what lies ahead of me. Consequences didn't matter because I wanted to have fun.

Too young to be considered for anything of importance. I don't want to say that in a negative way. But that's how I feel. I have ideas, that I want to share with the world; but how do you get people to listen when they are only ideas. I am not of wealthy parents, I do not have the capital to start up these ideas. I don't have much to show of them really. Just a inability to think of much else when it pops into my head.

I feel like because of my age no one takes me seriously. The younger crowd see me as a individual who is trying to hang onto her youth. The adults see me as too young to handle any real responsibility, or too naive to understand all needs to be done.

My dad has always taught me that even though you grow up physically, and mentally, you can always still have a young heart. That's what I feel like I have. A heart that isn't ready to be a dull adult. Not ready to be tamed.

I think of adults that I admire, who like me, still have a young heart. A Young Women's President when I was a teen who kept me in stitches laughing so hard. She is a child at heart. Another woman that I admire is a P.E. Teacher/DJ lady for DJP Mobile Sound. She has so much energy!

Winter Hibernation

I know why bears hibernate. Not because of the cold, not because of the lack of food; because there is nothing to do. When you get home from work, and its already dark, you don't go out to do more. Once inside, you stay inside. If I do have things to do after work, I know not to go home, because if I do, I'm not going to my night activity.

I would like to think that if I lived in a place that had snow regularly that I would go outside, build snowmen, have a snowball fight. Ski, and snowboard. Oh how fun that sounds! Just to have snow above my ankles sounds like fun to me!

So why hibernate? Well first of all, I am comfortable in my home. I can curl up on the couch, and read, r watch tv. But it gives me time to reflect. I have learned to like reflection. But also I think when the sun goes down around 6pm, I feel like the only thing to do is go home.

I don't like the dark. First of all, I have always learned that the light is good, and the dark is bad. But the dark always come with creepy sounds, and shadows that I can never figure out what they are. Even a stuffed animal can become a ferocious beast in the dark.

So when the dark comes, I hibernate, because I can control this dark. And I know my house well enough to not be afraid of these sounds.